tarobun

[published after time of writing; continued from prev. post]

So far I've settled, at this company, for just learning and growing and security. I'm worried I'm rushing into another situation where it isn't exactly what I want, but I'm baited into it so I can "learn for my career" and develop new skills. In the process of getting by, the life I want to lead is ill-defined and I give up the prospect of it as time slips away.

My boss, when he found out I was depressed (a while ago, I might be chronically depressed but not experiencing the major symptoms at this very moment), advised me to visualize what kind of life I wanted to lead and then make a plan for it.

On twitter, someone says their therapist said rituals are healthy and to form rituals. What kind of rituals do I want in my life?

It's hard to know what I want out of life. I ask myself, what would make me happy?

Happiness is so hard to define. That's because it's a nebulous concept, I think. You think it's something specific to attain, but it's actually just a feeling of contentment you have or an orientation. There can be nothing special going on in your life, but you can feel happy.

Usually my mind is mired in all kinds of random noises. Things like, disconcertment with mom or the lack of time I'm spending with her and how I interact or don't interact with people at work. How many people I socialize with. The health insurance, doctor's visits, budgeting, the errands I haven't or need to take care of. Oh, how I haven't been painting or crocheting. How I don't find the time to work on side projects outside of work in combination with work and spending time with mom and taking care of myself and spending time socializing with people. How I don't spend time with Mom. (Apparently, I have Mom issues.) And how do I be happy and what do I want in life to be happy?

I have all these hobbies, a lot of them actually, but I find that if I spend all my time on them I'm not actually that interested in it and I don't always feel like doing it or it doesn't bring me much joy. Maybe that's a trademark of depression.

What I think I might want, in the random act of defining it, is to work part-time. Monday-Wednesday, maybe. And then to have the rest of the days to work on whatever projects I want, so I can finally make some of the things I'd like to but can't manage to make myself when I'm working. <-- This would also give me some time for self-development that I don't have when working. Eventually maybe this would become a side-income or I can start a crafting/hobbying business.

I'd like to have all that free time to choose to spend with people, or walk around and go on day dates. I'd like to be able to travel if I wanted to, from city to city across the world at an Airbnb as long as I want (so it would be nice to be able to work remotely, eventually).

I probably do want to extend myself and go on some dates and meet people, to see who I can find and what connections I can make. If I could end up in a relationship that is enriching, for lack of a better word, that might be nice.

This is all maybe eventually. It doesn't have to be right away. But yeah, although Rachel and I look at the FIRE community and agree we don't want to work like we do for any longer than necessary, we also agree going full free-lance is intimidating and a whole other lifestyle we are unsure of. I think I would like to work some of the time.

When I think of rituals in the interim, I don't want to do hobbies so much that it fills up my whole life and scrubs stimulation. I think maybe once a week, to do one of my hobbies at night instead of going any where out. Maybe Fridays? And on weekends, to flexibly work on projects or hang out with friends (instead of perhaps fussing so much about hanging out with Mom, letting it happen naturally if so).

And the rest of the week, to do whatever I want, for lack of better decision, but maybe some reading could happen there. I'd like to live in an apartment, as comfy as the basement has gotten. Maybe I can plant plants and cook like we used to in southern California, watch tv, and bike around and roller-skate on some days. (Although I won't have days off until I work part-time.) Maybe I can stop trying to hang out with people so much, unless they want to hang out with me, so I have more time and space during the week. But yeah, I could hang out with them on weekends, and pick and curate who I want to be friends with, instead of trying to be friends with everyone in our broad circle.

Of course, in real life, there's laundry, and managing life well enough to keep things orderly, and this and that errand to clog up the day, and random emotions. Maybe I can dedicate some part of Saturday for that; run on one day, and try to wake up early to keep the place tidy. Rituals are probably hard to put in place. But it's worth thinking about.

It's late. I'm gonna rest and see if I can work a bit, or not at all...