I saw some people on my reading page were just numbering their entries, which seemed like an attractive way to sidestep having the name each post every time. But I didn't start my posts by doing that, and there are some entries which seem to be different in type than others (like some are just pithy musings and others are real posts) so I'm just going to label some posts untitled and number them when I'm lazy and no title seems forthcoming.
Disclaimer: this post may be hard to follow because of unintuitive flow and commentary, and I won't have time to edit it to make more sense to others for a while.
Guess what time it is? It's 4:57 a.m.! (By the time I post this, it will be past 5 of course.) That was stupid, tarobun. I know that, so I'm going to acknowledge it and move on.
To give some context, my co-worker June gave me a spare steam access key to a dating sim game.*/** Why did you do that, June? It makes me deciding to make convo with her in the company instant messenger seem like a fatal move full of portent in retrospect. I'd lost stream towards the end of the day because I had stayed up late the night before to get some errands done (for once, being productive when staying up late instead of the other way around).
Ironically, because of that decision, I've neglected my sleep again, but this time for far more typical and dismal reasons. Sure, part of it was that it's titillating (get it?) to simulate interaction and achieve steamy scenes with 2d girls. Gosh, sorry you didn't know I was so trivial when you subscribed to posts. :p But really, the other bigger part of it is that the simple mechanics of a game which gives and feeds into a short-term gratuitous loop is enough to hook into my simple brain and hold it hostage when common sense ought to prevail.
Games in general, as well as other distraction methods like anime and manga, are generally a bad idea for me. I won't know when to stop, and I just won't stop, with each moment stretching into the next until I'm too far gone in the wrong territory (or hour of the day).
When I finally did get around to stopping my clearly ill-thought-out behavior, it was 4 a.m. Basically, from 7 p.m. to 4 a.m., that was what I did. :>
A couple repercussions to mention:
- I did not reply to my Facebook recruiter, so it's going to be at least 2-3 days since she emailed me; and I should get back to her not only with times for my initial interview, but also my resume which I still need to update.
- I did not reply to a semi-professional lunch (for networking reasons) arrangement I had initiated with a casual acquaintance, so there will be a lapse of one day in my communications
- I did not do research to keep momentum going in a conversation about a get-together I am arranging wth some of my friends.
- The most immediate issue for concern: I'm supposed to give a presentation*** today for team bonding sort of thing; I need to finish it, and then figure out how to wing it to present it.
Due to the last point, I can't belabor this post too long.
I'm also a bit sorry -- I can't imagine why anyone would want to read these sorts of details about my life. (It's more of a catharsis post than anything else. I could have written it to myself and reduced it to "That was stupid. Some things now: [above list]" but I don't like having notes lying around in various places so I opted to write it in an entry here instead.)
I showered to reset my state. I'm going to have to work on the presentation now -- thank god I rough drafted it last night in my moments of productivity -- and pull through the rest. Definitely, I'll be pretty tired and in a poor state to enjoy the day's plans (today is slated to team bonding agenda, which normally would be fine enough but now will be a long day due to my choices). Don't know how I will stay awake through other people's presentations, and a team dinner/movie afterwards. Do you have a habit of sabotaging yourself with ill-timed poor behavior? If so, we have something in common.
My final comment is that you'll see with this quickly-written post why I like the asterisks footnotes I use in most of my posts so much -- my unedited writing has tons of parenthetical asides and I use those footnotes to try and circumvent that. ;)
That's all for now, I'll leave it here like this until next time.
* The game was HuniePop, if you must know.
** June is into anime waifus. I was recommending Riveira: The Promised Land to her and she then offered this key.
*** Not a serious presentation, it's supposed to be for fun. But still, I don't like being unprepared.
I showered late and hoped to stay up so I could pack for our trip we're leaving on tomorrow and clean up the room, but Rachel threw a fit and made me turn off the lights and lie there in bed. She gets so nasty past a certain point at night when the sleep haze descends. It's like being hangry only related to being sleepy instead of hungry. Awful, awful tantrum child.
I lied in bed from 1 am to 2 am and then got up to read about Node streams, something I've been learning about at work, from 2 am to 4 am.
Went back to bed and lightly slept.. It's not really sleep when it doesn't feel restorative, right? I don't think I got into REM sleep.
I wasn't able to get much done at work today. It felt like slogging through cobwebs. I was dismayed to see I hadn't moved much in code by a certain point in the afternoon; I had barely done anything. My co-worker June and I were messaging each other constantly today and that's also part of why I couldn't get much done. I don't know how people get work done when they're like that. Do they not care? :O
I don't know what it is, but I felt lightly depressed today. A light form of June gloom (unrelated to my co-worker June, and yes, I know it's August). I've been doing pretty well regaining normal happiness since my last depressive episode, which was a few months ago now. But today it might be the combination of sleep deprivation and the fact that I've been moodled by work lately, so I haven't been able to do much outside of work / been unmotivated. I don't feel like I've mentally prepared and feel ready for vacation. I've just been hassling about work each day without the time or space to transition to another mode.
Sometime I think it'd be interesting to write about what made me depressed last time. How being just a little waylaid by different pressures and feeling inadequate to balance multiple pressures was enough to trigger a depressive episode for me. Hmm.
I don't know if I have everything I need for vacation and the trip tomorrow, and I feel like I kind of should work on work, but at the same time I'm tired enough that I can't really opt to do anything but go to bed at this point and be justified. So that's that.
(Oh no, this has become my anxiety / mood journal!!)
Yay for working when it's dark outside! Yay for staying up late to work! Fluorescent lights at work, to the rescue!
Update @ 11:58 p.m.:
/rage when fixing a small bug to even get started on creating tests takes at least 30 mins (ﾉಥ益ಥ)ﾉ
Translating all these tests is going to take a while... /sob ( ꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ)
Update @ 4:11 a.m.:
Oh no, I'm going to be tired most of today and when trying to watch the solar eclipse. D: I'm not as effective when I'm sleep deprived, I imagine. I'm also worried I won't wake up early enough to make it to work on time (nvm get to work early to get more work done).
The problem is, it can be very time-consuming, taking hours, and sometimes the written rumination can go on and on, never stopping or ceasing, because my mind doesn't necessarily find resolution for all the problems that swirl around in my head.
I'm supposed to be coding again. It's past 4 p.m. on a Sunday and I haven't started on work yet that I feel I could sorely appreciate being done by tomorrow, Monday. When it gets late on a weekend day where I was hoping to start relatively early in the day on work (like at least noon-time, maybe), I get anxious. I start hearing the clock hands tick in my brain. You're not going to get any work done, my mental clock whispers. It's going to be evening soon, the day will be ending soon, and you won't have gotten what you wanted to do done.
Figuratively, of course. I don't actually hear clock ticks in my mind, but I do experience feelings of anxiety as time seems to slip away towards another day of unproductivity and unfulfilled intentions. The dark evening sky brings out a visceral reaction in me. I get anxious working when it's dark because of those whispering thoughts.
In college, I used to have my sister Rachel* close the blinds when it got dark and we were working late on an essay or other school assignment. We lived in a desert-like area in college, and it would usually get dark pretty early-- like 5 or 6 p.m., unless it was the summer. We share many dysfunctional aspects, but I don't think she had this particular psychological tick.
When I get anxious, I can't seem to focus or stay disciplined very easily. What usually happens is I'll start reading some manga to salve my anxious state of mind, or read article after article off of twitter, until more and more time slips by, and I'm no better off than when I've started, only having dug myself into a rut. Then, when I'm sick enough, I might start journalling in a very similar fashion to what I'm doing now, hopefully gaining some sense of resolution of how to tackle my problems in the most immediate context.
I don't really want this journal to just be a rumination diary, like the many physical journals I have lining my bookshelves at home, or a anxiety blog like the one I kept when I went abroad to study in Italy. But I don't know how other people dredge up the time to write more journal entries, just about their day or what they've been up to. I would like to do this, but it seems like a sizable endeavor to me to write a single post, and I always have things on the backburner that I'm supposed to be doing, crowding my plate. So, how do people find the time to write posts? I wonder.
The way I write probably also takes a long time, I guess. It's not like this for everyone else.
On Friday, we went out with some friends. It's the kind of thing that seems to happen a bit spontaneously. We were painting nails the night before with Rachel's friend at school, and she mentioned there was a outing she had been invited to but felt uncertain if she wanted to go if she were alone with the other participants. Meanwhile, Rachel had been hankering to gather some friends so she would have a context to invite a new friend** to hang out with her with other people around. So, we arranged to go to the said event, even putting together a dinner to go to before-hand and inviting other mutual friends.
The dinner before-hand was all right, but not as good as other dinners I had with a similar group of people. I ordered ddeobokki with chewy noodles, which was all right at first, but got a little too sweet with all the sauce at the end. Rachel ordered gizzards but they were not as tasty as other gizzards. They were just like marinated stomach or intestinal lining, nothing too tasty. I didn't have as much to say during the dinner with the conversational topics (or lack thereof with my seat neighbors) at this dinner.
We went to a gaming bar later (the original event that Rachel's school friend Lanie was invited to). Rachel disappeared after the dinner for at least an hour to hang out with her tinder friend Hunter one-on-one before joining us, which I thought was odd (and I'm sure our friends did too) since the whole point of inviting him to this friend gathering was to hang out with him around other people. I hung around my group of friends, feeling like I wasn't sure what I was doing there and not entirely at ease in the context, watching them play different games and joining in for a short round or two where I debuted my lack of skills.
So, the situation wasn't all that hot for me. After a while one of my friends suggested playing a simple multiplayer pixel platformer where the only commands are to shoot arrows and jump, and you only have one life and maybe three arrows (but you can pick up arrows where they land). The rounds are quick, so you play as many rounds as it takes until one of the players reaches 10 kills. It was a bit fun, and I did surprisingly well doing some rounds.
In the end I ended up going upstairs with Rachel to try and learn a bit of the controls for Super Smash Bros***, but her friend Hunter joined us and it didn't seem interesting to play more than a few rounds when we weren't much of a challenge for him. The remainder of our other friends were leaving by that point, so we decided to leave as well, and struck out for a quiet bar in the area where I could get to know Hunter better, with Rachel with us, since it was my first time meeting him.
Although most of the night wasn't super enjoyable for me, there were a few highlights close to the end: 1) my co-worker Peter, who is a sheepish and super-quiet 30-year-old that deceives everyone with his youthful appearance + bashful demeanor and that everyone adores, teased me by hiding my backpack behind him when I went to look for it. He did the same thing earlier in the night (I leave my belongings around a lot!) so I went to grab it from behind him, but he transitioned it to the front. I just looked at him in consternation and I think this amused everyone present. 2) Our cool friend Luke hugged us at the end of the night when we were leaving. Win! Luke is super cool and it feels nice when he acts friendly to you, for no reason other than he's a friendly guy. Yay. 3) Playing surprisingly decently during some rounds of the pixel platformer game I mentioned before.
I got along decently with Hunter as well, who's a bit of an eccentric himself, but I'll save the details. After getting to know him a little, we went to my workplace nearby to check out the view shortly and play some ping-pong (another game Rachel and I are horrible at) before calling it a night. It was around 1:30 when we got home.
The next day though, I lied around in bed a lot just spacing out and reviewing/processing the events of the previous night. Is this what introverts do? I bet not all of them, at the very least. The room was a mess, and I knew I should clean it, but I was lazy. After I ate breakfast, I excused myself saying I should clean it, but mostly what I did when I got back was sit in bed, gazing at the closed lid of my laptop and wrapping the blankets around me. It was like I could hear the bed calling out to me, calling my name. The bed is so comfy! After a while (during which I may have also laid down and lied for a while) I got up and very slowly tidied up, with intervals of spacing out.
By the time Rachel got back from her hike that day, around 8 p.m., I was reading manga and thinking I should nap before getting to work. We ended up watching the leaked episode of Game of Thrones and I felt unsatisfied by the end of the day, although Rachel claimed it was near bed-time since it was around 11:30 p.m. I wanted either to be entertained more, or work, but working was in doubt since it was late. So I pestered Rachel for more conversation before getting to sleep.
These days, I seem pretty low on motivation, for instance, to handle all the errands I had hoped to take care of this weekend. Our vacation trip is inching up this Friday, and I have a bunch of things I need to take care of before then -- shipping a package, picking my health insurance plan, etc. And of course, there's the work I mentioned at the beginning of this withering post that needs to get done. It's pretty disheartening to feel low enough on motivation that you feel it's difficult to get anything you want to get done, outside of work, done. It's been a while since I've painted anything, or tried to do any programming work -- like I want to code my own little virtual pets site, actually, I do! A while ago, I was trying to keep to a good schedule -- run, sleep early, pick clothes the night before, actually brush my teeth, etc. But it's dissipated since.
I know I should make choices that improve my disposition and my personhood, but when it comes time to actually make those choices -- like working or doing something constructive instead of watching episodes of Insecure after work, I feel my will-power on low reserve. It's hard for me to remember that if I don't want to work, I can at least do something interesting related to programming (like configuring my vim set-up), working on a virtual pets site / look into JS animation, watch talks/lectures about programming / do some leisurely programming exercises/reading, paint, crochet, watch roller skate or hair braiding videos [...]. When I'm behind in work, I feel like I don't want to work on an oral history project with Mom, so I ignore that it's been a while since I've done anything for it and I interact with her minimally. I guess I feel bedraggled.
I think I need to accept that I'm a naturally person of more ennui than is typical for others. Acceptance is the first part, so says a lot of self-help advice and Buddhism. I also have to go back to aiming to be a more composed person, at a simple level. I probably need to look at it in the lens of habit-forming, per the advice of Mark Manson regarding discipline and willpower. If I form habits, it will be easier. I should at least brush my teeth and pick my clothes, and try not to dump old clothes everywhere on the floor so they need to be cleaned up later. And every time I make the choice to watch episodes of TV at night, I should know I'm building up a habit that makes forming other habits I want to form harder too.
I guess finally I can work now. When my mind is ruffled, I don't feel I can do anything until I get these thoughts out of my head. It's a bit compulsive. It's 6:30 now.
*Rachel is a codename. When we were little, we used to look in the mirror and muse about how certain name seemed to suit certain people, inexplicably. I'd look at her, and we'd say she looks like a Rachel or Sarah. I was an Emily or Hannah. --If I recall correctly, that is. I asked her to recall, and she said she could be a Hannah now if I wanted -- it sounds kind of a like a cool girl's name now, more than Rachel. But Rachel suits her, however unfortunately, so I'm going with that.
**She made this friend off of tinder. He was interested in either being fwbs or friends, and she was interested in either being friends or a relationship, so the only situation that seemed mutually palatable was being friends. But since they admitted they're both slightly attracted to each other, it seems safest if they hang out in platonic contexts if possible.
***We used to play Super Smash Brothers relatively often on a n64 emulator as kids (think: 7 or 8 years old), but I don't think we learned the real mechanisms for the controls well-- we just mashed buttons. And of course we weren't used to playing it on real controllers. So we never really got good at Smash, and got the eventual revelation that we actually suck at it really badly. XD
I can write a cute little anecdote about lying in bed doing nothing a little later.
I got a bit of a cool extension of being a student and having a young social group by going to a coding school after college. That was pretty neat and I enjoyed it, especially because I got to socialize with other people than just the small women's college I attended. Including guys! Wow. All my life, struggling to interact with guys past middle school, it's nice to have some guy friends once again.
Anyway, I struggle a lot to define what I want the rest of my life to be like. But that's a topic for another time, I guess, if not for my morbid journalling.
Feels nice to be 23 as well because I can sometimes be nostalgic about a decade past, when I was 13, and what the web was like then and who I was as a child. And to know how I ended up a decade later, surprisingly lucky and doing well enough, despite my daily travails. Surprisingly!! Because, although I always thought myself intelligent and something who ought to achieve status as an adult (like being a doctor, a lawyer, etc. or having an article in Wikipedia), in college it looked like things were relatively undefined and that I'd be settling out for a more uncertain, average life experience. It's not like I was pursuing science or was able to major in something lucrative, or that I'd been able to do prestigious or helpful internships. Nah, we struggled more than that. (Me plus my sidekick twin, who's pretty similar to me.) Another topic.
I wonder if I'm redefining my adult identity and growing more comfortable with it. It probably depends on a myriad of things, and goes through some fluctuations. In college, despite being depressed and anxious, I always felt secure that I retained a core of identity that helped me cope with everything else. I think that eroded over time, though, maybe after I studied abroad and returned as a junior--like I lost my roots in the past, a decent part of my core, by growing more distance from them and my past self. And then as an adult, it felt vague and hard again, at times. About how people view me, about who I was as a person (interacting with others, for example) and what I liked about myself, about what I wanted in life...
What's probably helping at the moment is just ice skating, growing a thicker skin to politics and what people think of me, and maybe my enjoyment of simple coding at work. And that the social situation at work is slightly improved at the moment, maybe. I really like ice skating, by the way! Ice skating helps me feel like there's something I enjoy, something that's worthwhile, aside from everything else in life, including whether or not I'll ever date and meet / end up with someone.
Anyway, I'm supposed to be coding at the moment. I just meant to find something to simultaneously procrastinate on, because it's late at night and I was feeling grudging about coding after work late in the day. For work, because I'm under some grind to finish some work stuff. You know, for work, which somehow makes me feel a little self-important. That aside, this is fun, but I probably shouldn't write too much more. It's already later at night now (close to midnight), and I might have to stay up if I don't give up (on coding).
I haven't quite figured out how I want to keep my narrative style for this
Anyway, I'm (supposed to be) coding, and probably messing around on Neopets a bit, and might be giving up soon to head to bed to be pragmatic--we'll see. That's me at 23.
I actually signed up for a livejournal a few moments ago, but was surprised tarobun wasn't taken. Was there a name sweep? I looked up a few articles since I glimpsed something about a Russian livejournal, and I guess there was some fuss about it being moved to Russia with its political censorship laws. I wasn't going to fuss about that, either, but the articles mentioned the laws being anti-lgtbq and after thinking about it for a few moments, I guess the risk wasn't worth trifling with. I'm not super political about that kind of stuff, but I am sorta bi in disposition and pretty bi in personal identity. You never know, why bother risking future hassle if there is a decent alternative?
The article mentioned this alternative and I'm glad I signed up here in retrospect. I like the barebones, throwback aesthetic. Livejournal seemed pretty crummy in comparison, with its corny if outdated branding.
I never actually had a livejournal in the past, or if I did, it's not like I blogged on it. I wasn't much of a livejournal or xanga person, didn't get the appeal of that stuff much. I preferred trying to have my own website on freewebs or customizing my Neopets look-up. I mean, I don't think I was a big writer in the past. Maybe I considered writing stories on fictionpress. But livejournal and xanga seemed corny since they had tools for you to customize it, you know, like myspace a few years later. And if I wanted to write about myself, I'd probably try first a personal website, and then a blogspot or wordpress.
I did end up creating some blogspots and wordpresses later. But there's a weird tension with blogs and how you want to present yourself on it; how much you want to expose your real-life identity, etc. My blogspot ended up being an online form of my messy journals where I wrote anonymously, mostly to myself, about my anxieties and real-life ruminations. Having a disorganized journal isn't that much fun, although it was helpful when I needed it, but I stopped eventually when I didn't have as many ruminations to write and wanted a cleaner presence. But my other blogs were too composed, or I didn't have time to maintain them. Now there's medium, but that somehow is linked to your professional identity.
You can't just write informally, on there, like you can on a good old livejournal. Ah, what a good idea I just had to randomly create one. Anyway, I do like just writing to other people long posts on the forums of my favorite scanlation groups, but there's only so much you can offload in a thread where people aren't obligated to be interested in your minute travails about your life. And it's not something that belongs to you, that you can update and maintain as some archive of your own life. So, here we are. With a cool dreamwidth, the new livejournal for the 2010s and close-to-2020s. Nice throwback.