tarobun

[published after time of writing]

It's late and I'm pretty tired. I think I drive myself to a wall sometimes, trying to work late at night to meet some deadline but making myself tired enough that I can't really work properly. It's the second night in a row where I've been staying up to try to work.

I'm trying to be more sparse with my words. Rachel told me I'm a forest from the trees kind of girl. It means that I feel the compulsion to articulate my life by describing a bunch of minute details. I guess it lends in a poor fashion to ruminative, overly minute introspection and makes it take forever to write one of my posts.

I guess it's ok to leave some things unsaid sometimes. Maybe it'll help me learn how to summarize.

I'm unsure I can work like this. When I try to stay up for the second night in a row to work on stuff, I feel the effort of staying up in my chest and my head is all cottony and heavy-feeling, and my eyes are numb. Even though a deep part of me revolts against the premise of missing a deadline, it makes me think it's not worth it.

I have a hard time going to sleep though. The work is on my mind. So when I do turn off the lights, I just lie there, and feel awake, like I won't sleep. In the dark, it's relaxing to just lie and I'm deceived into thinking I can turn on the lights again and work and feel normal.

In the dark I start to think about what it is I really want out of life. Or what kind of life I want to lead. [... continued]